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The Archive Chronicles from the Throne

Every dispatch from the end of the internet, preserved for whichever civilisation comes next.

The royal menagerie of the cybersecurity chronicles: Staple the horse wearing a keyhole medallion, Gateway the carrier pigeon flying with a sealed scroll, Sir Reginald the snail, and the famous goose accompanied by her barrister
The witnesses, assembled: Staple, Gateway, Sir Reginald, the goose, and the goose's counsel, who bills by the hour and knows no other speed. The apple is evidence. Of what, the court declines to say, but Staple has been asked not to eat it twice, and has twice declined to confirm he heard.

All chronicles

The Keeper of the Lever on duty in a sunlit hall beside a tall red lever, guarding the realm's means of control

Should We Slow Down AI? The Means of Control

The council sat three days on the means of control, and the Pretender took the minutes. There is now a red lever in the long hall. Nobody can say what it is attached to, the kitchens went out for two days when it was pulled, and it is inspected quarterly by the thing it stops.

Chronicle 16 · September 2026 The castle gate during the Month of Difficulty: a black horse penned behind an oak barrier in the archway, a queue of courtiers waiting on the steps, a herald reading from an enormous scroll, the Squire having a password inked onto his forearm, and the Chatelaine leaving by a side door

Do I Really Need Two-Factor Authentication?

Asked to make life difficult for criminals, the court made life difficult for the court. The gate password now takes nine minutes to say aloud, nobody has logged in since March, and the council has entered this in the record as an early triumph.

Chronicle 15 · September 2026 Three heralds in tabards arguing over two shields painted with slightly different red boars

Why Do Hackers Have Such Strange Names?

A kingdom cannot muster against 'someone', so the College of Heralds was told to name the enemy. It has produced three names for one foe, or one name for three, and the dispute is now in its fourth year.

Chronicle 14 · September 2026 The phishing simulation walks the scriptorium disguised as a potted bush while the court fails to notice and two of the learned score vigilance with clipboards

Do Phishing Simulations Work? The Court Ran One

The court resolved to test its own vigilance with a phishing simulation. The task fell to the Page, who did not want it, and whose instruction from the throne was to spare no subtlety. He took this literally.

Chronicle 13 · August 2026 Nia the Apprentice reads from her catalogue at the calm bright centre of the court while the King ponders, the Fool objects, Maud beams with pride and Staple listens at the window

How Do I Get Into Cybersecurity? The Apprentice's Catalogue

A young subject wrote to the court asking how one gets into cybersecurity. The court, delighted, began preparing a ceremony. The Apprentice declined it on the young subject's behalf, took out her book, and said she would handle this one.

Chronicle 12 · August 2026 Dame Maud stands with her ring of keys before a wall of forty-one red wax seals while ruffed auditors examine the evidence with magnifying glasses and clipboards

How to Pass a Security Audit? Ask Dame Maud

The auditors arrived at dawn with clipboards and the expressions of men who have seen things filed incorrectly. The court had prepared for weeks and rehearsed its ceremonies. The court need not have bothered, and this is the record of why.

Chronicle 11 · August 2026 The royal safety measures in production: the press prints the internet into a mountain, the shelf of left boots stands ready, the King stares down the router, and a cloud is interviewed at the desk

How to Stay Safe Online? You Cannot. The King's Anti-Counsel

The court publishes its official online safety guidance: seven royal measures, in order of decreasing sanity. The royal lawyers insisted on the word 'guidance'. It has been tested extensively on the Squire, who survived.

Chronicle 10 · August 2026 Staple's password tribunal: the great dark horse presides at the paddock fence while the Chancellor appeals with an apple and supplicants queue with their offerings

How Strong Is My Password? The Royal Horse Decides

The court dismissed its password strength meter in the spring, after it awarded five green bars to 'Dragon2019!'. It has been replaced by a horse named Staple. Verdicts are delivered by neigh. His record remains perfect.

Chronicle 9 · August 2026 The exile of the number zero: a great stone zero in chains is escorted to the border by royal guards while the ledger boards behind burn with ones and the goose millionaire watches with her counsel

What Is a Zero-Day Attack? The King Bans the Number Zero

Briefed at dawn on the menace of zero-day attacks, the King identifies the culprit with impeccable logic: the number zero. It has been escorted to the border. Implementation has produced what the court characterises as minor turbulence.

Chronicle 8 · August 2026 The Idiot Admin beams as the King pins an honour to his chest, sticky notes raining behind, with the awards arranged on velvet: the bell, the keys, and the Sacred Chalice bearing a green tick

The Idiot Admin: A Royal Honours Ceremony

The court gathers to honour its most dangerous subject: the man who holds every privilege in the kingdom and has read no documentation. Every award is real. Every award is a warning. He is, the King insists, beloved.

Chronicle 7 · August 2026 The midnight inquiry: the King and the Court Fool question a towering smart fridge while the robot vacuum waits with its map and the toaster watches from a pedestal

My Smart Fridge Is Plotting Against Me: A Royal Inquiry

The King convenes an inquiry at midnight, when the household believes he sleeps. Present: one fridge, one doorbell, one kettle, one television, one vacuum of the robotic persuasion, and forty other devices he does not remember buying.

Chronicle 6 · August 2026 The trial of the phishing email: the accused scroll stands in chains with a wax seal before the King, the Fool, the Squire and a jury of rolled receipts

How to Spot a Phishing Email? The Trial of One

One phishing email stands accused of impersonation, extortion and crimes against punctuation. It is defended, as is customary, by the spam filter that failed to catch it, and judged by a jury of eleven receipts and a newsletter.

Chronicle 5 · August 2026 The Signet Ring Afternoon: the golem signs paperwork at the King's desk beside the framed portrait of the field and a mountain of newsletter scrolls, as a note slides under the door

Should I Let an AI Agent Use My Computer? The King Rules

An AI agent is a chatbot given hands, which is genuinely useful and therefore the problem. Against the advice of everyone, including the horse, the King lent a golem his signet ring for a single afternoon. The minutes survive.

Chronicle 4 · August 2026 The Feast of the Restore: the Idiot Admin operates the restoring engine before the King while trumpeters sound and the feast waits under covers

How to Survive a Ransomware Attack: The King's Battle Plan

Ransomware is a tax on the unprepared, and the Duke of a Thousand Tabs paid it in full, having left his gate unpatched for eleven months. The court examines his siege, and then its own defences, which are considerably worse.

Chronicle 3 · August 2026 The Great Silence: Gateway the pigeon flies in with newspaper strips while the Duke peers through his blinds, the princes puzzle over a paper map, and the kelp wagons arrive

What Happens If the Internet Goes Down? The King Explains

The internet stopped on a Tuesday, kingdom-wide, for one entire day. This is the true record of how civilisation held: the tills fell silent, the young princes were issued a paper map, and the royal loft went to combat readiness.

Chronicle 2 · August 2026 The household of fools: the Duke with his disc, the Squire draped in keys, the Idiot Admin with his enormous keyring, and Gerald the golem scribe handing the treasury ledger through a window

Will AI Take Over the World? The King Answers

The robots are not coming for your throne. The welcome banquet for our machine overlords has nonetheless stood catered since 2019, the jelly renewed quarterly, and the court has interviewed several candidates for the position. None was hired.

Chronicle 1 · August 2026