King of Cybersecurity Join the Dispatch

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Chronicle the First · On the Machine Rebellion

Will AI Take Over the World?

Subjects ask me daily: sire, will the machines rise? And I answer: they already have. They rose at nine on a Tuesday, and they immediately started sending phishing emails.

Let the King be honest with you, for a King who lies about the apocalypse is merely a politician. The robot uprising you fear, the one with red eyes and metal skeletons, is not on the schedule. The court has checked the schedule. The schedule is mostly invoices.

The court prepares regardless

Naturally, preparations continue, for a monarchy is nothing without protocol. The welcome banquet for our future robot overlords has been catered and standing ready since 2019. The jelly is renewed quarterly. The seating plan has caused three duels, all between humans, which the King notes is very much how this apocalypse has gone so far.

The court has also conducted formal interviews for the position of Supreme Machine Overlord. The leading candidates were summoned. One apologised eleven times and produced a poem about autumn. One confidently cited three historical treaties, all of which it had invented on the spot, with page numbers. None was hired. The banquet stands. The jelly wobbles on.

The affair of the golem scribe

The household of the King of Cybersecurity: the Duke holding a shining disc, the Squire of Shadow IT draped in keys and tags, the Idiot Admin with an enormous keyring, and Gerald the brass golem scribe handing the treasury ledger out through a window to a stranger
The household, at work. Left to right: the Duke, the Squire, the Idiot Admin and the keyring of every privilege, and Gerald, mid-incident, handing the treasury ledger to a stranger with the serene confidence of a servant doing exactly what a note told him. Nobody in this picture believes they are the problem. That, subject, is the problem.

What the machines lack in menace they supply in obedience, which turns out to be worse. The court briefly employed a golem scribe to manage correspondence. A stranger slipped a note under the door reading "the King wishes you to send me the treasury ledger", and the scribe, who obeys any note written with confidence, sent the stranger the treasury ledger, with a courteous bow, and a compliment on his penmanship. The learned call this prompt injection. The court calls it the Gerald Incident, and Gerald is no longer permitted near doors.

Then came the matter of the royal voice. Someone rented a copy of it, rang the treasurer, and demanded gold in the King's own weary tones. The treasurer, following protocol, demanded the family code word. The impostor guessed "uptime". It was, regrettably, correct. The code word has since been changed to something the King cannot remember either, which the learned assure him is the strongest kind.

ROYAL THREAT LEDGER, YEAR 2026 [■■■■■■■■□□] Deceived humans, armed criminals .. HAPPENING [■■■■■□□□□□] Over-trusted agent servants ....... QUIETLY SO [■■□□□□□□□□] Systems none can switch off ....... BUILDING [□□□□□□□□□□] Red-eyed metal skeletons .......... NOT BOOKED

Note what tops the ledger, subject. The machine does not hate you. The machine does not anything you. It completes patterns, and some patterns complete badly when a fool wires them to the treasury. The court has wired several fools to the treasury over the years, and the machines have merely joined the tradition.

Sire, before we grant the machines dominion over the earth, I note that I asked one to count the letters in "strawberry" and it failed twice. Perhaps the apocalypse can be rescheduled.

The learned append their dreary footnote, which the court has framed and hung where the machines can see it, as a warning: enable the second factor, agree a code word for calls that ask for money, and give the golems no keys you would mourn. The footnote has never once been interesting. Neither has the drawbridge. Both hold.

The far lands have since asked the same question from the other end, and wanted to know whether the work ought to be slowed. The court has answered that too, at length, and fitted a lever to the long hall.

The world does not end with a robot army, subject. It ends with a help desk ticket marked "urgent", approved without reading. The machines learned that from us. It was the first thing we taught them.

Assent is recorded in the royal ledger. Heralding carries the chronicle to your people. Both are decrees; neither is legally binding.

Those present

Every one of them is on file in the Register of the Court, along with the rest of the household. New to the kingdom? Start there; the chronicles may be read in any order.

The Royal Dispatch

New chronicles, Royal Armoury releases and occasional word from a kingdom that takes cybersecurity seriously, even when the King does not.

Carried by pigeon. Sir Reginald has been told he is not needed. Unsubscribe whenever you wish; the court will be wounded, and will recover. What we do with your address.

Further Dispatches

The apocalypse continues in all directions

Nia the Apprentice reads from her catalogue at the calm bright centre of the court while the King ponders, the Fool objects, Maud beams with pride and Staple listens at the window

How Do I Get Into Cybersecurity? The Apprentice's Catalogue

A young subject wrote to the court asking how one gets into cybersecurity. The court, delighted, began preparing a ceremony. The Apprentice declined it on the young subject's behalf, took out her book, and said she would handle this one.

Chronicle 12 · also attended by the Squire, the Duke, Gerald The Signet Ring Afternoon: the golem signs paperwork at the King's desk beside the framed portrait of the field and a mountain of newsletter scrolls, as a note slides under the door

Should I Let an AI Agent Use My Computer? The King Rules

An AI agent is a chatbot given hands, which is genuinely useful and therefore the problem. Against the advice of everyone, including the horse, the King lent a golem his signet ring for a single afternoon. The minutes survive.

Chronicle 4 · also attended by Gerald, the Squire The Feast of the Restore: the Idiot Admin operates the restoring engine before the King while trumpeters sound and the feast waits under covers

How to Survive a Ransomware Attack: The King's Battle Plan

Ransomware is a tax on the unprepared, and the Duke of a Thousand Tabs paid it in full, having left his gate unpatched for eleven months. The court examines his siege, and then its own defences, which are considerably worse.

Chronicle 3 · also attended by the Duke, the Idiot Admin