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Chronicle the Tenth · The Anti-Counsel

How to Stay Safe Online? You Cannot.

Subjects ask how to stay safe online. Very well. The court has prepared official safety guidance. The royal lawyers insisted on the word "guidance". The guidance follows. It has been tested extensively on the Squire, who survived, in the sense that he is still with us.

Understand first that you cannot be safe online, for the same reason you cannot be dry in the sea. The King accepted this truth centuries ago, on the day the internet followed him home and would not stop screaming. What remains is not safety. What remains is style. Herewith, the royal safety measures, in order of decreasing sanity.

The official royal safety measures

The King's official safety measures in full operation: two printers feed the printed internet onto a mountain of stacked sheets, the shelf of seventeen left boots stands behind them, the King stands with folded arms staring down a router on a pedestal, two clerks interview a cloud of good family at a desk, a kneeling squire hands a wax-sealed urgent letter to Sir Reginald the carrier snail, Dame Maud passes through the background with her keys, and the falconer waits in the mist at the far gate
The measures, in operation, each performing exactly as intended, which is the tragedy. The internet, 0.0000000041 per cent printed and gaining on nothing. The boots, ready to confuse an algorithm that stopped watching in shame. The router, being stared at, blinking apologetically. The cloud, interviewing beautifully, and almost certainly a warehouse in Slough. Sir Reginald, accepting something urgent, which thereby ceases to be. And at the back, going somewhere with the keys, Dame Maud, who was there throughout and was not consulted about any of it.

Measure the First: print the internet and lock it in a drawer. A hacker cannot reach paper. The court began printing in 2019. We are 0.0000000041 per cent complete, the east wing is full, and we are out of yellow ink, which means the sunsets of the internet are lost to us. A sacrifice. Security demands sacrifices.

Measure the Second: confuse the algorithms by living an unpredictable life. The machines cannot target what they cannot understand. The King has purchased seventeen left boots. The adverts now show only bewilderment and one extremely hopeful cobbler. Victory.

Measure the Third: answer urgency with geology. When a missive declares itself URGENT, the court replies by carrier snail. Sir Reginald has completed four deliveries since the coronation and misdelivered three of them, which the court considers a form of encryption.

Measure the Fourth: stare at the router until it respects you. Twenty minutes daily, arms folded, crown on. Does it improve security? Unknown. But the router has started blinking apologetically, and in this court we take our tributes where they land.

Measure the Fifth: choose a cloud of good family. If your data must live in a cloud, insist upon a cumulus of noble lineage. The court interviewed several clouds at great expense. All of them turned out to be a warehouse in Slough. The interviews continue.

Measure the Sixth: perfect two-factor authentication. The court's two factors are a horse and a portcullis. To reach the royal accounts one must satisfy both. Nothing has logged in since March, including the King. The learned call this "locked out". The court calls it "impenetrable" and has issued a commemorative coin. Dame Maud has a side door. Dame Maud has always had a side door. The court does not ask where it is, partly out of respect, mostly because she would tell them and then it would need guarding.

Measure the Seventh: if you suspect a breach, turn the kingdom off and on again. The court performed this once, in the great panic of the spring. It worked, in that the breach ended. It also cost us a Tuesday. The whole Tuesday, subject. The falconer remembers a grey mist and then it was Wednesday, and nobody has been able to tell him different.

Sire, I have reviewed the guidance in full and I wish the record to show that none of this is advice. It is a list of things that have happened to us.

The Fool is correct, and this is the entire point. Advice is boring, subject, and worse, it works, and then you would have no need of your King. Those desperate for the working variety may consult the ten dreary decrees on the front page, which the learned assure me are effective and which have never once made anyone laugh at a feast.

ROYAL SAFETY LEDGER, YEAR OF THE SNAIL [■■■■■■■■■■] Safety achieved ............ CEREMONIALLY [■■■■■■■■■□] Left boots acquired ........ SEVENTEEN [■■■■■■■□□□] Clouds interviewed ......... ALL SLOUGH [□□□□□□□□□□] Tuesdays recovered ......... NONE. GONE.

Stay safe online, subject. You will not, of course. But the wish is traditional, like "good morning", or "this password is temporary". Sir Reginald departs with this chronicle at dawn. Expect it by autumn.

Assent is recorded in the royal ledger. Heralding carries the chronicle to your people. Both are decrees; neither is legally binding.

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Further Dispatches

The apocalypse continues in all directions

The castle gate during the Month of Difficulty: a black horse penned behind an oak barrier in the archway, a queue of courtiers waiting on the steps, a herald reading from an enormous scroll, the Squire having a password inked onto his forearm, and the Chatelaine leaving by a side door

Do I Really Need Two-Factor Authentication?

Asked to make life difficult for criminals, the court made life difficult for the court. The gate password now takes nine minutes to say aloud, nobody has logged in since March, and the council has entered this in the record as an early triumph.

Chronicle 15 · also attended by the Squire, Dame Maud Nia the Apprentice reads from her catalogue at the calm bright centre of the court while the King ponders, the Fool objects, Maud beams with pride and Staple listens at the window

How Do I Get Into Cybersecurity? The Apprentice's Catalogue

A young subject wrote to the court asking how one gets into cybersecurity. The court, delighted, began preparing a ceremony. The Apprentice declined it on the young subject's behalf, took out her book, and said she would handle this one.

Chronicle 12 · also attended by Dame Maud, the Squire The Keeper of the Lever on duty in a sunlit hall beside a tall red lever, guarding the realm's means of control

Should We Slow Down AI? The Means of Control

The council sat three days on the means of control, and the Pretender took the minutes. There is now a red lever in the long hall. Nobody can say what it is attached to, the kitchens went out for two days when it was pulled, and it is inspected quarterly by the thing it stops.

Chronicle 16 · also attended by Dame Maud